So there I was, right...sleeping at the rescue station, minding my own business at 0'dark thirty when the tones go off. I release a string of profanity that I am sure most of the block heard. But hey, we gotta job to do, right? Right. No earning money sleeping (see what I did there?) tonight.
While enroute to the location of our call for a car v/s tree, my partner and I coming to full consciousness and start asking the obvious question. Why are they at this particular location so late, how did they hit a tree, and how drunk do you think this person is? Much to our eventual and retrospective surprise, all of those questions were actually answered. So we do our lights and siren thing and pull up on scene to a complete melee of "WTF"?
At first we assume that there is some sort of party going on due to the amount of people out and about. However, it's not your normal party when the first person you notice is a man in a dress. Again, WTF? There painted faces, a lot of beer, and a group of women wearing matching dresses. As it turns out, there was a wedding and a Halloween party going on at the same time. You can't make this stuff up.
Now our pt is what many would call a "good ol' boy". All 290 lbs of him. And he is about as drunk as you can get without being in a coma. Now alcohol can make people do many things. For some people, it causes them to regress to an earlier state of consciousness. In other words, it makes them act like children. Judging from the amount of ETOH this Appalachian American had ingested, I figured he had regressed to about 5 years old. He was barely cooperative and when you would tell him to sit still, he would for about 3 second, move his arms while you are taking a blood pressure or doing some other medical procedure, and then say that he didn't or something else to that remark. Ugh! Frustrating to say the least.
However, drunky McDrunkerton had very abnormal vital signs and needed to go to the hospital whether he liked it or not. The problem was that he was probably not going to go willingly. Thankfully the police officer on scene gave the guy two options: ER or jail. And with a lot of hemming and hawing, "Cletus" opted for the hospital. Don't worry. You can get arrested once you sober up. Oh and when he finally blew for the cops, I thought the machine was going to explode. It was waaayyy too high. I would be dead with a level like that. It was almost 0.5! I don't know how he was even conscious...well, yes I do. He was a big fat redneck with years of beer drinking experience. I'm sure he has a story or two of getting too drunk in a deer stand and falling to the ground. But I digress.
So after way too much talking, this guy finally gets in the back of our truck. There he proceeds to try and insult my partners medical abilities as well as his general intelligence. He wasn't exactly please and I am sure he got in a few zingers that went way of this drunk guys head. Probably for the best.
Since I was driving us to the hospital, you would think I was the lucky one. Not so much. One of the bridesmaids rode with us to the hospital. Great. Nothing like a drunk redneck woman who is half crying and trying to explain to me what was going on and further perpetuate the myth that the guy in the back of the truck wasn't driving the car that struck a tree. We have "Cletus" in the back and "Brandine" in the front. If my ambulance was any more classy at this point, it would have turned into a limo. I also kept getting the question "Is he going to jail?" I don't know. I'm not a cop. Do I look like a cop? Well now that I think of it, most people do think we are either cops or fire fighters.
At any rate, we show up to the hospital to a thrilled ER staff and hand off care to the clinical team. As soon as he was moved over to the bed, "Click" went the hand cuffs. It only made the situation worse, but that is not my department. A big "I'm so sorry" to the ER that had to deal with this guy, but unfortunately it was their turn with Drunky McRealtree.
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